Roles - The Bread and Butter of Human Interaction

We are always playing a certain role. What's more, it isn't a passive thing. It's active. We are always looking to fulfill the role that's set out for us.

I've always found it funny how a lot of my Asian mates are chill one minute and the next the get a call from their parents and they put on a freshy accent.

Or how people in an office will put on a professional voice and use different mannerisms when they pick up the phone. Or shopkeepers talking to customers...

Or in social setting people will live up to the label you give them. The joker. The cool guy. The guy who always gets drunk.

Or when talking to children or babies or foreigners we speak far more confidently. Maybe even in a patronising, slow fashion.

Or the race who are told that they don't go to university and are scumpies who rob. Who then don't go to university and rob people.

Just about every young man has to cope with the blurring of roles that occurs with their father when they hit adolescence.

For years I wondered how my mum, the cutest most wonderfully generous woman in the world, held down a job in the chauvinist environment of a City Investment Bank. And now I know. She plays roles. When she's at work she's not the soft cuddly momobird she is at home.

Roles are useful. They create a standards for expected behaviour. A bit like table manners. They make life easier. They create conformity. And from this you might be able to guess how much I think they suck. They work on so many levels.

I got played out this morning taking some 16 yr old Greek students around UCL. I started out speaking slowly to them. I was told they were going to drag their feet. The look of boredom on their faces was palpable. Then after 30 seconds I realised that they speak better English than me and spoke normally. The switch went from disengaged to engaged immediately. They didn't expect me to dumb down. They are in England from a foreign country. They want to see what people in the UK are like. They don't want some cockbag assuming because they're foreign they're stupid. Everyone else gave tours about UCL being founded in 1826 by Bentham and yada yada. I took them round telling them statues were my relatives and telling them what life is actually like.

What happened?

Initially I was fulfilling the role I thought was expected of me. Paul morphed into STUDENT GUIDE.

Then I stopped. And I was just Paul. And I got a good response. If you want to stick out immediately, don't play a role.

Why do we play roles?

They're an externally validated ego-crux that give us security in social situations.

Long words are fun. Let me break that down:

Externally Validated - Your sense of who you are is determined by others.

Ego-crux - You project a made-up idea of who you are which you project into the world. I have had "the class clown" before. So I lived up to this and at every available opportunity acted like the class clown. It gave me standing. Seriously mean girls-esque. Watch it and understand roles.

Security in Social Situations - Comfortable social situations are those where everybody is secure in their social situation. Where everybody is happy and feels good. If you're trying to get one up on others then you aren't feeling good.
When stags compete for higher social status (to be the alpha male) they literally fight it out. It's fuckin epic. Check out these stags with a touch of downs battle it out:



Guys and girls can fight too. Usually it takes the form of busting on others or bitching. It creates uncomfortableness.

When I first started making a conscious effort not to be lame I found others in my social circle tried to put me down. The fact I was becoming cooler and more comfortable was uncomfortable for them. I'm not judging it. They were doing it with a positive intention.

Since then loads of people have come to me and said that they have outgrown friends as they have become bigger, better, happier people. It's funny because you might think they'd be happy for you. They are your friends. They want the best for you right?

Usually not. It's a shame. It takes a very cool person to accept change in others, particularly when it jeopardises their social status. A change in your behaviour will cause resistance in others.

Roles, and the sticking to these roles, create comfortableness.

Interesting aside. If you give someone a label or a role they will live up to it. Try telling someone that they are sad and keep asking why they are sad. Watch how their state drops. Notice it when others do that to you.
Also, try telling someone that they are a cool, laid-back person to be around and they will try to live up to that (and manage far more successfully!).

So now we've seen that roles serve their purpose, what's the alternative and why would you choose it?

The alternative is internally validated expression. See? It even sounds better!

Internally Validated - Your sense of self, who you are, what you want comes from within. Who sets the standard?
You. Or everyone else for you.

A really great way of discovering whether someone is internally validated is by watching how they use their time and energy. Someone who is internally validated typically uses their time and energy very well.

They don't waste time honouring crappy behaviour.

They don't tolerate shit from others. There are clear boundaries of acceptable behaviour.

They do the things they love.

They speak their mind.

They have positive energy.

They speak positively of others and themselves.

They have their own mannerisms.

They expect high standards of others but more importantly OF THEMSELVES.

They are focused on the present, not worried about yesterday or tomorrow. This means they don't have niggling worries. They get shit sorted right away. I cant feel good if I know Ive got an essay to do and I'm on facebook.

They look people in the eye and speak with authority.

They value their own judgement above others without making ill-informed decisions.

They aren't afraid to break rapport.

They're not afraid of making mistakes and don't bury their head in the sand when they do. You can tell a lot about someone by the way they deal with adversity. Everyone faces shit. The difference between the cool person and the uncool is the way the cool person deals with shit. It's weird when I hear people say "He's so lucky" or "Nothing bad ever happens to her". Trust me it does. They deal with it and move on instead of whining. Geddit?

I could go on. These are just symptoms. The question really is, WHO IS IN CHARGE OF YOUR LIFE?

This is what is means to be yourself. And when you're yourself you're not playing a role.

Why not play a role?

For a start it's easier and you feel better about it.

Secondly you become a compelling person to be around. You become different. You have spark.

Ultimately people respond well to people not roles. Being genuine is something everyone appreciates. You are far more likely to get what you want.