Too much alcohol is good for your nights out

There's an incredible drinking establishment near where i live called the Cock Tavern. We've never been in because, frankly, it's named after the male appendage and has a hoard of men outside with various convictions for touching women/children/kittens innappropriately.

So Yesterday after me and my friend (we'll call him Goodman) finished a bottle of Cava we went to explore. It's got a lovely fireplace with a real fire. I took my shoes off and placed them by the fire. Ah toasty bliss.
Goodman: "This place stinks of piss!"
Three old men look up and stare straight at me: "Time for a strip?"
Pd: "Time for your mum"
The old man's friends cheer. Whatever.

We order our pints and exchange stories about going to grammar school. Did anyone else burn different types of polos on bunsen burners in an effort to ascertain the most flammable type?
Try it. Fruit polos are spectacular and result in you being banned from practicals.
We try to describe each other in a few words. I am given Narcissistic, Independent, Confident, Kind. I should have been called Nick!
In return I give Goodman, "Warm-hearted, funny cockbag".

At some point a dog comes out and starts playing with my shoes. I run over and just as im about to retrieve my shoe I slip and fall on the dog.
Old men 1 - Pd 1.
Then out of nowhere, and I coulkdnt make this up, a cat comes along to mediate between myself and the dog. It's like a jungle in here. I honestly expect a hippo to come charging round the corner to arrest us all. The cat doesnt seem to like me. I wonder off to the toilet. It's funny, but the toilet smells better than the pub. Maybe they put the wrong room odouriser in each room.

We move on to various pubs. Eventually Goodman exclaimns that he hasnt drunk from a pitcher for a long while. So we get a pitcher. The Itbox has a game called "Are you smarter than a 10 yr old?". The questions are ******* stupid. I lose half my student loan on it. The pub is amused by my insults at the box. The final straw is when we are one question away from winning money and we have "Religions for 10 yr olds" left to answer. The question, for a few gold coins that any 10 yr old knows:

"Who is the hindu God of rain, wind, and some other precipitate?"

A_ Shivva
B_ Hamalangadingdong
C_Shoobedoobedoo
d_Balti

PD: WHAT KIND OF ******* TEN YEAR OLD KNOWS THAT? THIS IS STUPID? WHAT NEXT? 6 yr old science with questions on string theory? OH ...Wait.... Goodman...you used to be hindu!
Goodman looks at me...time stands still....
He clicks on B, Hamalangadingdong. WRONG. We have one more effort...he clicks A_Shivva.........


NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

PD: Shivva...thats the name of a coldplay song...why do I hang out with you, you insolent cockface?
Goodman: This is a stupid game...it's none of them../it's a trick questiopn...where was the option for "This game is a pile of steaming ****?"

At this point Goodman realises he has just an hour to go before a Christian Union event. So off we go, pints in hand, back to mine.

On the way back we see two police officers. I grab a snowball and make my way oh so secretly towards them. They do the same.
BANG
The police officer ducks as I send a snowball screeching over his head.
BANG BANG
They retaliate hitting me in the chest.
Goodman doesnt play along. He was too busy hiding his pint so we werent arrested for being drunk and disorderly, stealing pint glasses and drinking in a public area.

I wolf down some food at home and dance along to electro house and muse. We leave for CU. I have the biggest coffee in hand.
Goodman: We're off to the pub!
Pd: WTF?
Goodman: That's where the CU event is!
Pd: I love you jesus!

When we turn up Im introduced to the whole group. The group looks like a world of warcraft meeting. What is this? NERD NERD NERD
I head to the bar.
As I do so three attractive Xtian gals approach Goodman. This is what Im talking about.
I return to the seated area, drink in hand, and plonk myself in the middle of them. In the space of an hour, most of it spent talking to alphagirl, I make it clear Im off my face ("Ive been drinking since three" in the least apologetic way possible), make repeated anti-semitic comments which I mitigate with the fact I dated a jew, hold a serious 5 minute conversation about Xtian's rationality, philosophy, alienate everyone from Newcastle, make it abundantly clear I dont like nerds or fat bitches and exclaim, upon hearing that a few of them do geography that, "But I didnt think they offered that past GCSE".

At some point my mother calls. I held it together really well. She phoned concerned about my illness. So I totally didnt let on that I was drunk. Until about 3 and a half minutes in she says, "Dont drink too much alcohol and Ill speak to you tomorrow". WOOPS

Most of the group leave and now it's just me, Goodman and two nerdynerds. I accuse the female nerd (who has a boys name...lol) of hitting on me, being stupid, and studying a degree of no consequence (psychology).
Goodman almost faints when...
PD: so you wanna be a psychotherapist?
Girl: No
PD: Stop loving me now...
Girl: ........
Pd: Or maybe a psychotherapist without the 'the'.

On my way home I chat breeze to my fbuddy whilst she's in the bath. She invites me to a party on wednesday. I inform her Im only interested in her for the sex and that she'd make a rubbish girlfriend cos she talks too much. I have an untameable obsession about how her muff is coiffured and repeatedly call her, bitch, hobag and whore.

My housemate heard a lot of the conversation and gave me the "Youve burned bridges" look.

We'll see.